Clinton Declares Self President For Life

Since the last article was from the onion, I decided to add one of my favorite onion articles here, published, as you may infer, during Bush and Gore's election fiasco.

November 15, 2000
| Issue 36•41

WASHINGTON, DC–Denouncing the American electoral process as "immoral and corrupt," President Clinton announced Tuesday that he will not step down on Jan. 20, 2001, declaring himself "President For Life."

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Clinton greets his subjects from a White House balcony.

Proclaiming Nov. 14 a new national holiday as "Day One of Americlintonian Year Zero," Clinton issued a directive of total martial law over "all territories formerly known as these United States, from now on to be called the Holy United Imperial Americlintonian Demopublic (HUIAD)." He added that all election results are "hereby invalidated under Demopublican provisional law."

"The American people have spoken," Clinton said. "By failing to generate a 51 percent majority for either candidate, they have shown their inability to muster the drive to collective action. The time has come for a new America, a strong Americlintonian Empire, capable of providing the indecisive electorate with direction through one man's sheer force of will."

Dressed in full military regalia and flanked by members of his elite Demopublican Guard, Clinton told reporters, "Let all peoples of the land know this: The era of bipartisan inaction and paralysis has ended. The Age of the Great Cleansing Fire begins today."

A significant portion of the U.S. Armed Forces has sworn loyalty to the Imperial Demopublic Council of Generals, the new military wing of the Clinton regime. But despite such support, many political observers question the constitutionality of Clinton's actions, which include the burning of the Constitution, the dissolution of Congress, and the establishment of "re-education camps" in suburban D.C.

At a sparsely attended press conference, U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno raised the prospect of a Justice Department investigation of "possible illegal activities" on the part of Clinton. Most observers, however, believe that such a probe is unlikely: Less than an hour after Reno spoke, her battered and broken body was publicly fed to Clinton's dogs.

"Let them bring their pitiful reprisals to the impotent courts. Their lawyers and lawsuits shall face the wrath of a people united by the almighty fist," said Clinton, whose divinity as HUIAD's first Emperor-God was ratified late Tuesday night by the Americlintonic High Priest Council. "Let them recount their puny, paper ballots. They shall wither, as will the bankers, lawyers, and lobbyists all, before the Holy Cause of Americlintonia's glorious, righteous might."

Defiant in the face of objections from the Bush and Gore camps, Clinton has consolidated his power over the last several days, ordering armed takeovers of major federal buildings and the systematic collection and display of his enemies' heads on iron pikes.

In a test of the new regime's power outside the nation's capital, Senator-Elect Hillary Clinton, rechristened "Bride of The Lord Clinton On Earth," summarily ordered HUIAD troops to fire on Manhattan crowds, leaving more than 2,500 dead on Wall Street and quickly dispersing protesters loyal to defeated Republican challenger Rick Lazio.

Resistance movements are already forming. The new Legion Of Californians has sworn to defeat HUIAD in the west, and anti-Clinton groups have been reported across the U.S., including Naderist factions in Washington State and Maine.

Clinton has publicly dismissed such insurrections as "pathetic," confident that nothing will stem his authority over "the former U.S."

"The rebels are but mewling kittens who shall taste blood instead of milk," said Clinton, threatening to deploy HUAID-controlled nuclear weapons against members of resistance movements. "The holy power of the atom shall, if it must, cleanse this nation of all infidels."